Two women holding hands and laughing together on a bed

Are Gay Relationships “Better” Than Straight Ones?

This week Bea the Bud is tackling the trope that gay relationships are better than straight ones. Is it true? What’s the opinion of someone who’s experienced both?


Recently, I was with some friends who were discussing a reality dating show, and how the straight version is compared to the queer one. It’s a show I’d personally never heard of before but apparently it’s very juicy. You might know it, it’s called The Ultimatum: Queer Love. Well, apparently the queer one has a lot more drama than the straight one (which is called The Ultimatum: Marry or move on which I also have so much to say on but let’s just leave that for another day). Anyway, what do I know, so I messaged a friend, who is a reality dating show expert.

Their Thoughts on The Ultimatum: Queer Love

My friend definitely made sure I knew they didn’t like the series as they, quote – unquote, said it had “the messiest, most horrible relationships”. They even went to the extent of saying “it’s the worst thing I’ve seen in my life”. (I think they might not have liked watching this show…) Who knew reality TV could become too messy?

But, of course, a lot of people who watch these kinds of shows, that’s exactly what they’re looking for. The juicy juicy drama. The friends who were comparing both versions of the show were stating how much more fun the queer version was to watch “because the relationships were so much more toxic”. They had both forgotten names of people in the show and were naming them things like ‘super toxic guy’. Ah yes, ‘super toxic guy’. I remember. 

It got me thinking:, I’ve been hearing a lot recently how queer relationships are so much less toxic than straight relationships and how terrible straight relationships and/or cis-hetero men are. But, is any of it really true?

A group of lesbian women in a bar

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Are Straight Relationships That Terrible?

I’m not sure if I’m the only one or if this is a common thought. But, I used to think that queer relationships, because they existed outside of gender norms, would be so many times less toxic than most straight relationships. I feel like there must be other factors outside of gender norms that make these relationships different, but for me personally gender norms is probably the biggest factor.

A lot of queer people look at straight middle aged people hating their spouses and think something along the lines of “why are straight relationships so weird”. But, is it more the fact that middle aged people grew up marrying more quickly because the pressure to get married was so much higher than it is now? Is it because men didn’t see women as real people and just married any woman who they thought was pretty, but older women don’t tend to be considered as pretty and they’re now left with a woman they’re completely not interested in anymore? Is it really their straightness that makes their relationships suck, or is the society they grew up in?

Hands in a heart shape with pride colours - How to Know if You're Gay header Image

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Are Queer Relationships Really Better?

I believe I’ve mentioned this in pretty much every article, because I do think about it a lot of the time. But I despise how lesbian relationships are considered so much better than other relationships by gay women. 

I truly believe that putting women on some strange pedestal, claiming they are better than men somehow, glorifies women. Making women out to be some angelic beings incapable of hurt, is ironically misogynistic. 

Glorifying women takes away the reality that women too are human. They are capable of all emotions including anger and sadness and I don’t feel like that is recognised enough. They are perfectly capable of lashing out, they are capable of being super toxic. Toxicity isn’t gender specific. 

It is also that women do tend to glorify gay men as well. I’ve been watching a lot of Sex and the City again lately, and it’s insane how straight women in that show have their gay best friends walking around behind them like this season’s new designer handbag. But it is true. A lot of straight women love having their token gay best friend. But these gay men are simply put, still men. They still have issues. But out of all of the letters from the alphabet soup, I do think gay men are the most assumed to be capable of being considered toxic. 

For the other letters remaining, of which there are lots, I’m not sure if I can pinpoint which are considered the most and least toxic. Simply because they just haven’t been recognised and spoken about for long enough. It’s easy to talk about gay men and lesbians because they have been a staple of TV, like in Sex and the City, for a long time. (I am curious to hear any opinions though if anyone has any.)

Is Seeing Queer People Being Toxic a Good Thing?

Queer representation in the media, as far as I can think, has always been fairly positive. Please correct me if I am wrong. The representation was incredibly limited and honestly I’m struggling to think of anything. But, I don’t think it’s ever been that bad. Of everything that’s coming to mind now, it’s just lesbians grouping up together in big lesbian friend groups and of gay men being the next new accessory of straight women. And although it’s not the representation that was needed, it’s not like it’s super negative.

The Ultimatum: Queer love is the first show I’ve ever heard of showing negative representations of queer people. In all honesty, I think it’s kind of refreshing. Not only having representation where queer people aren’t interacting or serving straight people in some way, but also just to see them being not nice. Am I wrong in thinking this? I feel a bit toxic saying it, but I feel like it humanises them. 

I’ve actually never watched the show, not even one episode. But like I said it’s not really my cup of tea. I did, however, watch a whole season of Love Island once just because my flatmates watched it and I joined in. I did enjoy it, but I think only because I watched it with people who enjoyed it. So, if anyone I know hasn’t seen The Ultimatum: Queer love and wants to watch it, please let me know! 

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