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Bea the Bud: How to Know if You’re Gay

What’s the difference between being gay and just a girl-crush? Turns out it’s more complicated than you’d think! Here’s Bea advice on how to know if you’re gay.

Who Is Your Girl Crush?

I thought it was universal, having a ‘girl crush’. Turns out not everyone has those. The way that we used to talk about having girl crushes as girls would seem wild now. Having a crush on a woman was so accepted, but also not accepted at all. Like, you could say you fancied Rihanna, but never actually be able to date someone who looked like Rihanna. It was really common in films and TV series of the 00s that girls would kiss each other and everyone would go crazy for it, but never ever could women kiss each other because they wanted to. Because they were romantically or sexually attracted to one another. 

I’m not saying these things don’t occur anymore, of course they do. But same sex attraction has become a lot more commonplace and is generally more accepted, especially in TV series and films. It’s a move forward alright.

It was really only recently that it really clicked that straight people genuinely don’t feel attracted to the same sex. I think it is the curse of who is your girl crush? that brainwashed us gay babies into believing that everyone has these little crushes but God forbid you’d ever act on them (unless a man is nearby).

Also it is worthy of a mention: I am a gay woman, and gay men or other LGBTQIA+ people have similar but also very different stories. This is my personal experience and I hope no one reads it as universal. But maybe some can relate. 

I have heard plenty of times that people growing up did have same-sex sexual experiences and enjoyed it, but it never clicked for them that this was in fact very gay. I, on the other hand, was a gay virgin until my 20s, so I can’t relate.

However, the fact remains: both those of us who did have gay sex, and those of us who didn’t, all felt like our attractions weren’t ‘real’. Sometimes I wonder why, but then I remember all the reasons I’ve heard people give for celebrities who’ve come out. I’ve made a list of some I remember and the reasons they’ve given.

“I thought it was universal, having a ‘girl crush’. Turns out not everyone has those.”
Three pairs of feet in socks at the end of a bed

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Last week, Bea told the story of her first (and second) threesome, and imparts some essential wisdom for your first time.

Read it here: How (Not) To Have Your First Threesome

Queer Identities are Not For Clout

Some of my favourite “reasons” I’ve heard for celebs coming out.

Lil Nas X

I was at a friend’s house and we were just watching music videos. Someone put on Lil Nas X’s new song ‘Montero’. The video contains a lot of nudity. This nudity is mostly male, which is very shocking in the music world (in which mostly women are near-naked). Lil Nas X (my favourite part of the music video) is at one point seen giving the devil a lap dance. 

This music video in itself is so influential on queer culture and its presentation in mainstream media. But still it’s seen as performative and yet again not ‘real’. One of the people I was watching it with stated that Lil Nas X was doing it for clout. Lil Nas X is being very overtly gay to sell records. Isn’t that ironic? How could someone believe that in a world filled with homophobia, a gay man being very overtly gay isn’t going to sell more albums because of that fact?

Gok Wan

One of the funniest ones is Gok Wan in How to look good naked. Being the weird child I was, this was one of my favourite series to watch as a sprog.

Every Saturday and Sunday morning I would sit my bum down in front of the TV and marvel at Gok Wan’s Fashion Fix and How to look good naked. In the latter, Gok Wan finds middle-aged women who have stopped putting effort into looking good and feel incredibly insecure. He takes it on himself to help them feel good in their skin again. A fine Saturday morning watch. He always finishes the episode giving the women a nude photoshoot.

I remember vividly the kids in school claiming he wasn’t actually gay and was only doing it to see these women naked. If Gok really wanted to see middle-aged women naked, wouldn’t there be an easier way than to film an entire series on it? The lengths people will go to claim gayness is some facade.

Demi Lovato

I believe they came out as non-binary in 2021, and they received a lot of backlash because of it and I feel like they lost a lot of popularity as well. The only time I’ve seen them in the media since was when they were a guest judge on Rupaul’s drag race. However, I may be wrong. Don’t hold this against me. I do however remember that many said they came out as non-binary for clout. To gain more popularity. Again, massively contradictory and simply not true. 

Queer identities are not for clout! Also, I wonder how older LGBTQIA+ celebrities were seen in their time. Was Freddie Mercury also seen as being gay for clout? I can’t even imagine it. Hopefully claiming gays aren’t real dies very soon.

two women on a date holding spring flowers

Read more in “Love & Sex”

Liza is back with more seasonal Spring content! Here are her 12 Spring date ideas to enjoy this year as the weather is hotting up.

12 Spring Date Ideas for 2023

Now, we’ve discussed me and we’ve discussed celebs; let’s take some time and discuss you. 

How to Know You’re Gay

Reality is, if you’re feeling same sex attraction, be it romantic or sexual, you’re probably some kind of fruity. There are no good ‘am I gay quizzes’ which will give you a definite answer but a few questions worth considering are:

Have I ever been sexually attracted to the same sex?

Do I feel strong emotional bonds to the same sex?

Am I physically attracted to the same sex?

Have I considered having a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex

Have I had sexual same-sex experiences in the past?

If you’re answering yes to any, you’re likely to be gay. 

If you’re still unsure, experiment. And take your time experimenting. There’s no need to rush into a decision on how to identify; clarity comes with time.

Personally, I was put off by gay women who stated that they felt used by straight women ‘experimenting’. I was afraid that I’d change my mind and make someone feel used. 

However, I think the problem here is honesty. Always be honest with those who you have sexual / romantic relations with. State how you feel and allow them to judge the situation too. They may feel insecure about being someone’s first time if before it has gone wrong. You’re not the only person partaking in the act, always decide together. Honestly will forever be the best policy. 

Finally, I am a true believer that sexuality and identity is fluid and can (or might not) change throughout your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. You may identify with one thing one day and something else another day, and those who truly support you will be by your side during that. There’s no shame in living how you want to live and loving who you want to love.

“Sexuality and identity is fluid and can change throughout your life”

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