Bea the Bud is talking Monogamy: Is it the only option if you desire true connection? What is it like to date more than one person at the same time? And why don’t your friends understand?
I wrote an article about threesomes not too long ago (literally my second column, what does that say about me? I love threesomes, yes) and about how to explore this area, what expectations to have and how to have fun doing it. I wrote about my two previous experiences: the first I felt like I was being used as a fetish and I, myself, got very little pleasure from it, however thrilling the thought of a threesome was.
I persisted and tried another couple, this time it was definitely the girl’s initiation, also seemed the guy’s fetish, and strangely I felt like it was an escape from their hetero relationship for her. I’m sure others who have experienced threesomes and dating as dating couples as a single person have had similar experiences and possibly very different. But threesomes and dating as a three are still not very widely accepted.
I ended that column by saying ‘Please send all your prayers and hopes to 0800-save-a-budding-bisexual’ (fun fact: it’s the reason why this column is called Bea the Bud) and your hopes and prayers worked. I stumbled upon a couple who I feel fully myself around, I feel accepted and appreciated, and honestly we just have a lot of fun. I feel like I naturally slot in.
However, I know the vast majority of my friends will never understand how I feel even if how I feel feels as natural as could be. I get the feeling that whenever I tell people they also assume it is just a fetish. I feel this way because I’ve had people react shocked by the mere fact I’ve slept over at their house, they’ve asked how we actually initiate sex (how does anyone initiate sex really?) and it’s normally assumed that threesomes are a one night stand kind of sex, something that doesn’t have emotion connected.
I would be upset but in all honesty I feel like I understand where they’ve coming from. We’ve all been taught from young that monogamy is standard, monogamy is correct, monogamy is something we never question.
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The more I learn, the more I question monogamy
We read Black Skin, White Masks recently by Franz Fanon for university. It’s a heavy book about racism in the 1960s in France, Martinique and Algeria. The vast majority of the contents of the book is completely irrelevant here. But, he finished the first chapter saying ‘my final prayer: o my body, make of me always a man who questions’. It is important to remember to always question why we think the way we think. In this case: why do we believe monogamy to be the only answer to how relationships should be?
The fact the book is about racism is relevant to some extent, it’s the reason why I kept the context to the quote. I studied a course on sub-Saharan cultures and literatures during my erasmus year in Lisbon and some of the novels we had to read wrote about cultures where men had multiple wives. The only cultures I know were patriarchal, but of course how genders are seen and treated depend on the people. I know for sure matriarchal societies existed, but how they functioned I don’t know (maybe that’s something I should delve into).
I’ve also studied native Brazilian literature where I discovered certain Brazilian cultures existed in which women would sleep with as many men as possible in order to be unsure who the father was. In turn all the possible fathers took a role in raising the child. Putting another meaning to ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.
Monogamy is not the only option
With the little I know, my view of relationships work in regards to monogamy and polyamory is still skewed. But, I feel like I am now aware that our culture and similar cultures around it are only a piece of the puzzle on how to view things like relationships. Having become aware and beginning to think ‘why do I actually think the way I think?’ really opened up to alternate worlds. This is how I believe racism ties into the question of how polyamory is viewed. The white European view on monogamy is seen as the correct answer and any culture that does not agree is seen as wrong. Don’t get me wrong, monogamy and European culture aren’t incorrect, they’re simply just not the only option.
Liza is back with more seasonal Spring content! Here are her 12 Spring date ideas to enjoy this year as the weather is hotting up.
Thinking about why we think the way we think is important. But also thinking a lot is exhausting. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m enjoying something that harms no one else. I know the comments from my friends are harmless. They’ve never experienced anything similar themselves and are simply curious on how things work. I’m absolutely fine with being the one to provide them information on my life and have them comment (and also let me know if I’m doing something really stupid). What are friends for after all?
Two boyfriends sounds bliss
I do, however, have friends who are interested in a little menage-a-trois. However, they’re into having it with two men. I was always anti having a threesome with two men but I recently saw a TikTok of a girl’s life which started with her getting out of bed where she had been sleeping between two men. All the comments on the video were stating how they wished they also had two boyfriends.
I took a moment to imagine how it would be to have two men lying in my bed and loving me and honestly, I liked it. It was only until later I remembered I watched a film when I was younger of a woman who spent the entire film dating two men and being unsure of which to choose. The film ends with both men finding out that she had been dating them both. They all argue but find a solution to it all. They end as a throuple.
I hope I keep an open mind to which forms love can take and always stay an advocate of ‘if it doesn’t harm anyone else, it’s probably fine’. I really want to start reading more novels about why we think the way we think about monogamy, and hopefully in the future I can squash any doubts I have about polyamory and other unconventional forms of love.