queer woman with eyes closed

On Queerness, Coming Out, and Sex and the City

In Bea’s first column, she talks about realising she’s queer, coming out, and how these experiences were shaped by Sex and the City.

I once messaged a friend saying I’d started dating a girl.

She was the first girl I’d ever dated, and my friend replied saying “how Samantha Jones of you”. (I sent her a message because coming out in real life is actually so scary, I fully avoid it.)

Samantha Jones is a character from Sex and the City. She’s known for her sexual liberation and subverting sexual roles of a woman (hers were more stereotypical of a man’s) and she was known for speaking very openly about her sexual experiences (also more stereotypical of a man), including her time dating this Brazilian woman, which I guess is what my friend was referring to. She was just joking, but it did feel like she wasn’t admitting that it was a real thing. The very typical “it’s just a phase” mindset.

I think that happened in the show, too. My impression is that Samantha was just a bi girl, but she had a preference for men because it is nice to have a relationship without having to discuss your feelings all the time (I’m not advising against dating Brazilian women, they’re great… but be ready to talk a lot). 

But back to the scene of me coming out to my friend, let me add: I wasn’t dating her because I’m sexually liberated, I was dating her because I’m gay. Speaking as a sex and relationship columnist, and speaking of Sex and the City I have to say…I couldn’t help but wonder… are bisexual women just sexually free, or are their attractions real?

Speaking as a sex and relationship columnist, and speaking of Sex and the City I have to say…I couldn’t help but wonder… are bisexual women just sexually free, or are their attractions real?

two women laughing together romantically in a pool

Read More from Bea the Bud

Are Holiday Romances Worth It?

Beatriz tells the story of her friend who went on holiday with a man she’d known for a day, wondering if holiday romances are really a good idea or not…

A Run-Down of Sex and the City by Character

A short run down of Sex and the City characters by yours truly, for those of you who aren’t in the know:
Carrie Bradshaw: Carrie is the life of the party, kind of the “main character”, the observer of her friends’ lives, but a bit difficult in the way that she treats men badly but is attracted to the most toxic of men.
Charlotte York: Charlotte’s only trait in the show is that she’s desperate to find a husband, but to be fair she’s also a good friend (better than Carrie anyway).
Samantha Jones: Samantha (as stated before) is sexually liberated and powerful.
Miranda Hobbes: Lastly, Miranda; she’s cynical, witty, very independent and in control, and just a girl boss, slay.

Bea the Bud – Love and Sex Columnist

I’ll be exploring more of this in my column, along with absolutely anything I want to talk about (and you can’t stop me). I absolutely love queer culture and how it relates or, you know, massively contrasts with straight culture. Like, the positives and the negatives.

A good quote I heard from someone recently was “gay culture is toxic, but not like ‘straight men’ toxic, more like a Britney Spears toxic,” which I think sums it up nicely. 

I got into queer culture as a teenager when one of my friends sent me a song by Zeebra Katz, who is still one of my favourite artists. It’s got that Lil Nas X vibe: super gay, camp, high- heel- wearing, abs exposed. But this was before it got popular, of course. It was also around the time I started hanging out with very openly queer friends and honestly, they changed my life for the better, and I started to aspire to be more like them.

No one ever realises I’m queer because I’m just so damn straight-looking (which in the queer world is about the worst thing you can be perceived as). A straight woman who loves camp men? I’m no cigarette hag. I truly believe it’s the curse of coming out late.

Commitment padlocks with initials on them locked to a bridge

Read more on sexuality…

Is Monogamy Overrated?

Is it the only option if you desire true connection? What is it like to date more than one person at the same time? And why don’t your friends understand?

On Coming Out

I didn’t come out until I was like 21, and it’s been a crazy experience since. Being closeted is easier because you deal with less homophobia but I like sleeping with girls… 

Having been out for around four years now, I am way more sexually liberated than I was back then. But it doesn’t even feel like ‘sexually liberated’ – it just feels like living in a completely different world. Gays don’t live life like straights do.

I think because we live outside of gender norms, we don’t do relationships like straight people. Of course, you still have gay couples where one takes the stereotypical role of ‘the woman’ and the other of ‘the man’. But really, because you exist without those restrictions, or gender roles within a relationship, you have way more freedom to be treated as the person you really are rather than the ‘role’ you play. It means as queers we can watch things like Love Island and see it as some weird documentary of straight behaviour.

Speaking of which; let’s not forget the time that Love Island stated they would never have queer contestants due to ‘logistics’. I truly believe this is a perfect allegory for how straight culture collides with queer culture. Queers are seen as a ‘logistical difficulty’. 

(It’s worth noting here there was that one time where two girls coupled up, and I need to watch that season. I’ve been meaning to for years and still haven’t, but I promise that when I get around to it I’ll write a 2,000- word essay on what it means to British culture).

Returning to our theme of today: Samantha Jones. Samantha’s sexual liberation was anti-patriarchal, she even overtly stated she had sex ‘like a man’, and that’s why she’s the best character in Sex and the City.  

Worst thing is I’m not even a Samantha, I’m a Miranda for sure.


“Let’s not forget the time that Love Island stated they would never have queer contestants due to ‘logistics’. I truly believe this is a perfect allegory for how straight culture collides with queer culture. Queers are seen as a ‘logistical difficulty’.”

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1 thought on “On Queerness, Coming Out, and Sex and the City”

  1. Hi, loved your article Beatriz and, as a more mature woman, it opened my eyes to a whole new perspective which is always a good thing.

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