This week Bea the Bud is taking on a more serious topic, discussing the downsides to dating a couple and the risks that come with being a unicorn.
The 0800-save-a-budding-bisexual call was answered but let’s hang up…
In a previous article I stated that the 0800-save-a-budding-bisexual call was answered and I was happily dating a couple. I am sad to state I’m not anymore and it didn’t end too well. I’m not going to talk about that first though. I’m going to give background information on the term ‘unicorn hunting’ which I knew was a common phenomenon but didn’t realise why it had been so hated on until I got caught in everything bad it represents.
Unicorn hunting is a term for a male/female couple looking for a third. The woman is usually bisexual, and the man is often hetero, but they aren’t always. Their third is a specific person though: a bi woman. This bi woman is expected to be a cis-woman, single, and also attracted to both partners equally. The fact that there are so many boxes here that need to be ticked is of relevance and is also a reason as to why by many it’s not seen as a valid form of polyamory and it’s also seen as a contribution to the fetishisation of bisexual women.
I’d gone through my ordeal, ending it with the couple, and my friend sent a reddit link. I’m not one to normally use reddit but I gave it a read anyway. It made me realise I was glad to not be in the person who wrote the reddit’s shoes but also made me painfully aware of the dangers of dating a couple. .
So, a quick explanation of what the unircon-reddit-post covers:
Firstly, the girl states she is a 21 year old woman dating a couple who are 34 and 35. The couple have been married for 10 years. This was striking to me as a 25 year old who’d dated a 36 and 37 year old who had also been married for roughly ten years. However, the differences here lie in the fact the woman in the reddit post was living with them for the past year and her issue was in who is present during her girlfriend’s childbirth and who would be taking care of the other children. I’m glad to say, I was only once asked to catsit and that’s the closest I got to involving children in a throuple. So yeah our stories were similar but hers was way more intense.
Back to the reddit post. The unicorn was stating that despite everyone’s efforts she always felt inadequate. There were 10 years of marriage she simply hadn’t been a part of and never would be. She was not present during her girlfriend’s childbirth and had to take care of the existing children. Her boyfriend, or her girlfriend’s husband was. The unicorn was secondary. She stated that she had wanted to be there for her girlfriend’s childbirth but out of default her boyfriend (the husband) was there for his wife, and she, the unicorn, was left taking care of the other children. She stated it wasn’t jealousy of the husband for being able to be there during his wife’s childbirth. However, it was a desperate longing for something that seemed unattainable. She had also wanted to be there but would always be seen as a secondary in their marriage.
Read more from Bea the Bud…
Are we a throuple?
Going back to myself, I knew that I was secondary and that of course their marriage came first. However, it was stated by the couple that they didn’t feel married and felt more boyfriend-girlfriend and how they felt I was very much a part of that couple. Therefore, a throuple you could say. I felt misled by their saying this. I think I was almost tricked into believing that I was their equal. But I later found out I definitely was not. But maybe they actually believed that I had an equal status to their spouse? Maybe they didn’t realise how being married for 10 years had evolved their relationship from much much more than just boyfriend-girlfriend. But that does seem a bit delusional from a perspective outside of their marriage. And, of course, being in a loving relationship for 10 years and also having lived together for that entire time creates a bond that can’t be created with someone new within a few months. We dated from February, March, April, May – so, roughly four months.
Read more from Bea the Bud…
The advice given
The advice given within the subreddit was exactly what I had needed to hear a while back when everything had ended between me and the couple. So I’ll try and compact it a little and make it a bit more succinct for you to read too:
- When speaking legally because the other couple are married. If there were to be a divorce they would be entitled to a lot. As a unicorn you have little to no entitlement to anything. If they were to break up with you you get nothing (also it’s important to remember, the girl who wrote the reddit article has children involved and also lives with them).
- Getting three people married often simply isn’t an option so knowing they are already married, you will never be as legally entitled to them as they are to each other. If they’re not willing to divorce, they are not willing to come to your level.
- Definitely discuss your roles within the relationship and voice when you’re feeling like you’re not being treated as an equal. Also, discuss what they believe the future looks like for the couple and if/how you will be involved.
- To remember whatever they promise you, don’t believe it will definitely come true and to keep an eye out for if it ever starts to get toxic.
- 21 years old Iis an important stage of life re education and career and don’t backburner that
- Related to the last point – they are also likely to earn a lot more than you.
- And lastly, it’s easy to underestimate your worth at that age and give yourself less than what you deserve.
It’s all advice I wish I’d heard sooner. But even the person writing the advice on reddit had stated maybe she didn’t have friends who had experience in polyamory who she could speak to. Her writing a post on reddit would have indicated this. They also stated that she, being of such a young age, may not have realised what kind of predicament she had landed herself in.
The moral of the story here is to always put yourself first. I’m glad I’m not in this redditors shoes, but also I really was not that far from it. Which I’ll be discussing more in my next article.
